I'm very excited to announce that our first submission for First Impressions this month comes to us from a seventh grade writer. CURIOSITY KILLS is Science Fiction.
The air was light and crisp, the wind lightly flowing through the trees, gently shaking the leaves which slowly moved their way down to the soft dirt ground. The mood slowly departed to let the sun take over the sky. Purples, pinks, oranges and reds all painted the sky like a brand new canvas waiting to be framed. Axel sat patiently on his smooth wooden windowsill seat. He waited for the perfect time for the sky to set in its place.
“Bingo.” With his notebook in hand, he very gently and gracefully colored a picture of the sky in all its beauty. He grabbed all different kinds of colors form the new pencil set he bought from the store. He had finally saved up enough to buy the best pencils in town. Many of the townspeople would tell him that it was a waste to buy pencils when he could spend his money on something more useful and important. He was very talented, though many people did not approve. He didn’t listen, though. He made quite a good profit by selling all of his artwork, proving to people that it wasn’t a waste. Despite always being busy helping his mother around the house, he usually found time to relax and draw.
After a while, Axel finished his drawing, satisfied with his work. He sat at his windowsill for a little while longer, watching the sun climb up the sky and the white, puffy clouds roll in. He then stood up, put his notebook on the seat, and walked over to his mirror. He was quite the handsome boy, just like his father. His raven black hair was slicked back and curling a bit on the ends. Crystal blue eyes, like his mother’s, shone like large diamonds on his white pale face. He had broad shoulders and a strong voice. A strong voice he faked 80 percent of the time only to impress the girls his age in the town.
Axel ran his bony fingers through his hair, making it messier than it already was. Even though he went to bed pretty early the previous night, he was still exhausted. The clanking of pots and pans, and the sound of running water could be heard coming from their large marble-based kitchen. The delicious smell of pancakes and bacon came wafting up the stairs and into his bedroom.
I see some really great imagery here. The smooth windowsill seat tells me that Axel probably sits there a lot. I wonder what draws him to the sky, why he draws that in particular. If people don't like the fact that he draws so much, what do they want him to do instead? And who is he talking about? Family? Neighbors? Town gossips? If the townspeople don't approve of his art work, who is he selling the drawings to? I'd love to hear more details about why you opened with this particular image and what it has to do with the rest of the story.
I would cut the part about Axel looking in the mirror and find more organic ways to work his description into the story. It doesn't have to be on the first page. One or two details should suffice right now. I particularly like the line about the voice he uses to impress the girls. That tells us more about his character than any physical description.
In all, I see some wonderful work here. Thank you so much for sharing it with us!
Make sure to head over to both Mainewords and Dianne's blog to see what they thought of CURIOSITY KILLS.