FIRST IMPRESSIONS: EVERGREEN

Our second submission for First Impressions this month comes to us from Christy Hintz. EVERGREEN is YA Contemporary.

***

Everything looks perfect.  Strings of red lights drape across the ceiling and dangle from the center of the gymnasium, cloaking all the dancers in crimson.

Everything sounds perfect.  The music is upbeat, the bass a perfect volume, not that crass loud overbearing beat that makes everyone's ears bleed and heart hurt.  Not like last week's prom at East High--which naturally I crashed to be sure I didn't overlook any details.  Nope, my prom is nothing like that.  Everyone is laughing and having a good time.  I circulate, smiling at my classmates, nodding at their dress and accessory choices.  The food table is topped off. The chaperons are keeping their distance.

I approach a girl standing at the foot of the bleachers. I tap her bare, brown shoulder.  "Where have you been?"

She's wearing a strapless, short black dress, one electric blue heel and one emerald green heel.  Her nails are each painted a different color of the rainbow, and today her eyes are a natural brown.  A thick strand of her black hair matches the electric blue shoe.

"Bathroom."  She turns toward me.  "I sat on the seat and everything."

"Ew."  I fumble through my purse.

"What are you looking for?"

"Sanitizer." I hand her a bottle.

She doesn't take it, but asks, "And what, pray tell, shall I do with it?"

I steer her toward the hall.  "Spread it on the back of your thighs."

She ducks out from under my hands and moves back toward the dance floor,

laughing.  "You really are crazy.  Remind me again why I love you."

"Why wouldn't you?"  I put the sanitizer under her nose for one last try.

She shakes her head and I return it to my purse with a huff.

"I promise to wear sweats to sleep in later.  My germ-covered legs won't touch anything in your house."

"What about our toilet seats?" I watch as a girl in a mermaid dress takes the last water bottle from the refreshment table.

"Man.  I'll shower when I get there. Okay?"

"Fine." I gesture to the transformed gymnasium. "It's all fantastic, right?"

"Beyond."

Ms. Fulton, the only teacher not charmed by my straight A+ average and over-abundance of extra-curriculars is glaring at me from ten feet away like something's gone amok.  All the other teachers patted my back and congratulated me on successfully orchestrating the prom-week festivities, parade, and dance.  Not her.

***

I love the contrast between the two characters. I love how you show the narrator is extremely OCD as opposed to telling us. Her friend's description gives us great insight into her personality as well. 

There are just a few things I think will improve the page. 

The food table is topped off, but a few lines later, someone takes the last water bottle. Besides the water disappearing too quickly, I don't think the narrator would ignore that and keep talking to her friend. She'd fix it or delegate someone to fix it straight away.

"I approach a girl ..." Can you say her name? It's first person, and judging by their exchange, they're best friends. She wouldn't think of her friend as "a girl."

I'd also like to see a transition between their conversation and Ms. Fulton, even if it's just her friend gesturing toward the teacher or looking in her direction.

I'm not sure what the novel is about, but I think that's okay. You've set up the characters well, and I think it will be fun when the narrator's perfect world is knocked askew. Thank you so much for sharing your page with us. Good work!

Make sure to head over to both Mainewords and Dianne's blog to see what they thought of EVERGREEN. You can find Christy on Twitter as @ericaandchristy and visit her blog at http://lynneawest.blogspot.com/